Entry #1 Ego

I find myself at a point where I am seeking the lord in a way like never before, yet I am confused about the purity of my intentions, was it calamity and pain that lead me to seek refuge with him? And if so is this in itself negative? Could it not be a blessing from him? Could it not be Allah giving me a reason to seek him? I am aware of the illness of my spirit and the stiffness of my heart. Does this awareness not mean that indeed my intentions are pure? If I honestly ask the Lord to remove them; does this not mean that I do in reality seek him alone? Or has my mind succeeded in rationalizing this process in order for me to continue? Is the source of the pain in reality the lies I have told myself? Is there a darker power lying in the depths of my psyche deceiving me into believing my intentions are pure

Over the past few months I have come to the realization that the ego is nothing like what I initially believed it to be. It is not as simple as it seems, it is not arrogance and pride and narcissism. It is not something you suppress and it just dies away. It is not something you kill, it is something you need to keep neutral. Killing it is the equivalent of bringing it down into the negatives, this will fill your heart with insecurities and strip your mind of its intellectual abilities, which is also the consequence of allowing it to rise above point 0 lets say.

After I finally understood what my ego was and I saw the reality of this deceiving beast, It occurred to me that the only point when one can claim victory against it is when one dies. Not any kind of death, you couldn’t for example take your own life. That would either be the result of your ego rising into the pride zone (your pride just wouldn’t accept anymore failures or slips) or the opposite ( you could no longer live with yourself because your ego is so low you have no self esteem and you despise yourself).

After realizing that this will be a lifelong battle, it became only natural to assume that my opponent will use all the dirty tricks available. So it was no longer difficult for me to imagine its capabilities. I mean if it could make Hitler (a military genius) attempt to invade Russia knowing that it was impossible to succeed. It could convince me that my need to seek Allah is pure when in reality it is based completely on selfishness.

This assumption is dangerous but it means that the ego is not conscious because if it were, it would know that Allah would not let it win. But at the same time it may mean that the ego in an attempt to win the war is trying to put me through a roller coaster that contains both extremities of the equation. Naturally if I attempt to eradicate it through seeking a higher power, it will make this extremely tedious and difficult by making me jump between phases of both High arrogance and narcissism and drastically low self esteem, which I would conveniently mistake for humility which will in its turn lead to an increase in my arrogance. This way it will increase its chances at winning by increasing the likelihood of me giving up or thinking that I have succeeded. This of course would mean that it is conscious.

Now that I have thought this, it has automatically become a possibility. Thoughts are always possibilities, if not in this realm then in another. I do want to be acknowledged in this world, I do want to achieve great things in this world, I do want to rise to the top of everything that I do. Could it be that my ego yearns for this so badly that it is willing to do anything, is it primitive? Maybe it doesn’t know what seeking the lord is
it only recognizes that the intellect sees it as the only relevant goal it should set. It doesn’t recognize the logical process behind it, it can only see the result. It only understands that its goals and aims are being overridden by the goals and aims of the higher influence. So it must -to ensure its survival and the achievements of its goals- wage war. In this case it does not have consciousness.

This is the first phase of the process, As it goes on and I learn more about it I may add some more. I didn’t want to share this because of the ego dilemma above, I don’t know if I am sharing to feed my ego or something else but I chose not to over think for now

You Are A Chosen One

Words could never do justice in describing what God has created. From the depths of space to what may be beyond that, to the planets, stars and what they are made of. Things we can see, and things that cannot be seen yet play a far more crucial role than that that manifests itself on a visual scale.

He has created the sky above us, that never looks the same twice. Things that serve both artistic purposes in his masterpiece and crucial and delicate purposes in the fine tuned system he has designed and built.

He has created systems that follow a set of rules we think we understand, and systems that don’t seem to follow any rules (quantum). Systems that are so random and chaotic yet so perfect and in an order that would destroy everything if only slightly changed.

Then he created us. Human beings, he perfected our internal systems and made us perfectly functional machines.

Then he gave us this amazing gift, a gift no one seems to be able to explain, something machines built from nature simply cannot acquire. He gave us consciousness.

This thing that may very well be the source of all the magnificence of the universe. The thing that may just be keeping the world in order.

He gave us identities and the ability to acquire awareness of these identities. A factor that disregards all our similarities and makes us unique individuals.

He gave us intellect, curiosity, ambition, and the ability to dream.

He gave us emotions, a connection with everyone around us, he gave us love.

He gave us spirits and souls that connect with all his creation and connect with him. Spiritual abilities that exceed physical and mental abilities completely if nurtured through devotion to Him and his teachings.

God created this universe with all its precision delicacy brilliance and magnificence and he created YOU. He chose to bring you to life, he specifically chose to make you as you are and designed a whole scenario for you to exist in. A scenario that will confuse you, challenge you, test you, and reward you greatly if you overcome the obstacles.

Within you there is a universe wherever you may live and under whatever conditions. So next time you think I can’t do this, or I’ll just spend my life laying low, or any of the many subjective thoughts our insecurities lead us to consider, just think.

Is it possible that God chose to create me, and perfect me and give me life only so that I may fail? Did God mess up? Or do I have a purpose? And if I have a purpose, would it make sense for it to be easy to acquire? Am I just random? A loose end of the equation?

That would make no sense. I mean even though the path towards achieving the goal is difficult and filled with obstacles, surely the One who made nature so finely tuned, used the same precision in perfecting my starting position and the path ahead of me if I choose to take it.

So in short quit the whining and the self abuse and oppression and accept the challenges and allow yourself to prosper and grow spiritually, mentally and physically. And just continuously ask God for help and you’ll be fine.

Idc Im not giving this a title either

Let the flute play on
the music of death
when confessions are sung
by the doomed of men

Assumed to be the truth
because they have nothing to lose
no longer looking to amuse
no security to abuse

Telling tales of love and sorrow
and battles won in vain
over Leaders destined to be followed
yet no one ever knew their names

Pleading guilty to their sins
hoping that with mercy they are judged
Dedicated their lives to win
yet they lost all they conjured up

Seen us convicts in our eyes
Give them mercy we will not
But when the dawn has ‘set’ on us
will we ask to be treated the same by God?

Lord remove mercy of our souls
because we as well have lost the plot
and like our flesh and our bones
our nafs deserves to rot

Are we ready for the judgement
of despicable crimes of our ego
pride wouldn’t let us learn
unable to function but incognito

We put veils up on our heart
yet we were perfectly see through
especially to those we hurt
pain is a connection, they can feel you

So many secrets so much fear
precarious under the confidence we wear
fooled like the king nude we appear
but the peoples hearts are in denial
herd effect so they all cheer

In these lines you see me confess
and as you read you reflect yourself
Doesnt really matter what I said
the poems yours for your spirit to posses

 

 

 

Idek man.. Insecurities maybe?

  A human is a complex being that may be affected by the smallest of changes around. Ripples in water become waves because we are so small, fragile and powerless that even these tiny ripples in a puddle of water seem like killer waves to us. And they are because how can we overcome them?

  They say the answers are within us we merely need to extract them through reflection. Thing is we probably will not like what we find. Because behind this confident accomplished exterior, there is a little immature and lost child unable to find answers to even the most trivial of issues.

  And behind this careless and cynical character hiding trying to blend in with the rest of its kind and trying so hard to pretend like it simply does not care that it is a failure and a lost cause, is a scared very aware soul paranoid of everything around it, scared to stand out yet longing to at the same time.
 
  The more we dig through the layers of lies and come nearer to reaching our true identity, the more we resent ourselves for letting these little monsters live for this long, until we gradually reach the realization that these little monsters are us. The unedited me.

  I’ve never encountered anyone that is satisfied with their unedited me. And if you are then you are either something very special, or you are lying to yourself, just kicking the dust around hoping that that’s as deep as it goes. The latter is more probable.

  As complex as we are, we are equally predictable. Even the unpredictable are predicted to do exactly that (be unpredictable). And we are far more transparent than we like to believe. Our insecurities cannot be hidden for long from the eyes of keen and equally  distressed observers. But at the same time we are as deep as deep can go, so though our insecurities can be identified and our flaws made visible, no one truly understand the nature of these things and their implications but us.

Everyone knows you are scared and insecure, and you know this about everyone as well. But we are such unique beings that even our simplest and most common fears and insecurities manifest in a form unique only to ourselves. Therefore only we can truly understand them.

  It’s really scary and lonely when you think about because we can never truly let our true selves out and allow them to express themselves in front of anyone even if we slightly describe them, which we only do because it is useless to deny their existence.

  Some philosophers say the essence of humanity is fear and it is our strongest emotion.  It is said that man first came up with religions because they needed something stronger than themselves to help them survive the disaster that was nature and it’s ruthlessness.

  It is true that without God we would be lost. Because if there is no God, who will you turn to in the hopeless situations when you are put in a position where your back is against a wall and you can’t even see what’s pushing you there. But I don’t think fear is our strongest and most essential emotion. I don’t know what is, maybe love, maybe curiosity I wouldn’t know, but all I know is fear doesn’t produce brilliance so it can’t be it.

  I don’t even know how to end this because if I did I wouldn’t need to write it anyway so I guess all we can do is continue to reflect and seek Allah maybe he inspires solutions to such issues.

Blekh Bloopers

Every time I think about our existence as humans, 7 billion individuals on a planet not even the biggest in its galaxy, in a continuously growing universe within which our whole galaxy is nothing but an atom in a grain of sand lying around in a desert (because this isn’t the only existing universe), the idea of individuality kind of just fades away for me.

In Hindu philosophy the concept of God is considered to be ‘the collective human mind’, he is considered the truth, and the truth cannot be realized unless human and nature become in harmony and leave behind the limits of our individuality completely fusing in the collective super mind’s infinity therefore becoming it. Becoming one.

This concept was also proposed by one of the greatest psychologist in the past century and surprisingly enough Freuds student, Carl Jung. He said that humans have their normal aware conscience, and a collective consciousness that contains all knowledge of everything that they share with the rest of humanity. He says that he found that the things schizophrenic patients described they saw were things they couldn’t have possibly understood or perceived alone so he believes it comes from a collective knowledge of all things that they were able to tap into due to their abnormality.

AGAIN this concept is also present in Islam, specifically Shiism. I think it was in that The Great Muslim Scientist And Philosopher Imam Jaafar Alsadiq (as) book, I read that there was a belief that humans have a conscious and subconscious mind that have a veil between them, the more you increase in enlightenment the less that veil exists (the more you are aware of) . An imam does not have this veil therefore his conscious and subconscious mind are linked. So basically it is said that we are all linked to one outlet that knows all and is the ultimate human awareness.

Then I think of Imam Ali’s (as) hadith: You claim that you are nothing but a tiny entity, yet wrapped up inside of you is the greatest universe. If you think about it the way the patterns of creation are, it seems like everything is within everything. 2 meeting black holes act exactly like the nucleus and electrons of an atom. Cells are like tiny systems that seem isolated yet are connected to a bigger system. Just like planets. Waves show the same spiral shape that exists in the geometry of the ear, sunflower, and even wings of a fly. And the universe exists within each and every one of us.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that regardless of personal interests hobbies and abilities our individuality exists more as a group than as units. Maybe the idea that I am one and you are one is false. Maybe we are units within that one. The heart and mind have different interests yet one without the other would result in a dysfunctional human. They are each units within their system doing their individual jobs at many times contradicting each other but they are what forms this human and similarly each human does their job and seeks their paths only problem is instead of making it work we are ruining the bigger system we are a part of in many ways.

Maybe if we stop thinking of ourselves as individuals and start thinking of ourselves as one together. We could possibly for once progress.

May He Rest In Freedom

Have you ever heard the cry of a child
Screaming as he tries to dry
Those tears
You see them in his eyes
Freedom he’s denied
First time he lets them go
Clear feelings in his eyes
It’s freedom in his eyes
He believes that he just died
The keys, playing the notes of his demise
Bullets in the skies
But the sky is now his heart
And its leaking his survival
Skills he been taught by observing his superiors
Inferior to the soul, that’s why his mind is delirious
First time he’s on the field truly aware of where he
He can see the colours bright
Young but his wisdom is pure experience
All the calculations are right
A brief moment of genius
Wondering can he still fight
His life hanging on a line
Awfully precarious

He’s the chosen one now
He’s the opposing one now
revolutions in his heart
The knowledge is sweet and sour
He knows his form and function
But does he have the power
To convert his spirit energy
To grenades and AKAs
Destroy all the cowards

His eyes are slowly shutting
His heart can barely beat
The flow of the music of life
Is too fast for him to compete
And his symphony is ending
The  sonata is almost complete
He drops dust rises above him
May he rest in freedom, may he rest in peace.

 

 

Chicken Wings

As I speak to myself and the walls that have ears
Aspiring to change but my mind is a maze and I got to the
door but the locks arent here
I mean I got the keys but the keyholes disappeared
and I I’ve seen it before
And I looked through it at the mind of man like Noah
Its like this prophet has fear
A different one..
And the key and I worked so hard
And the walls I hear them call
Out my name and the secrets of Horus
Whom I met twice on this floor
Once like Apollyon and the other like a mother
And the other  like a teacher
Awareness! No definition to what aware is
Existence in this realm itself is awareness
And the knowledge is so careless
Doesn’t mind
What soul it touches I mean it so casually touched mine
No need for a deed like a sin where I’m in
The only sin is to be ignorant
And you can’t, its too tedious to shut your ears
Every sound you hear
Is a lesson to be learnt
But learning those lessons is not a burden
Because you are the source and you
Are who said them and you are who heard them
No travelling, the path from you to yourself
is timeless and its rhyme-less its like a light
from the dark you cant rip them apart
Whats the dark side of being enlightened?
And what is so illuminating about being in darkness?
When light is a giver and when you learn you take
And every grain of knowledge that you gain
Raises questions that lead you beyond your grave
So as you learn, are you being illuminated?
But it is the black hole that only yearns for more
…Infinitely…
Can you give light more light?
And when you feed a black hole light does black hole accept it
Or does it just pace restlessly around on its sides?
So are we ever enlightened?
Are we black holes?
Or are we slightly darker than we thought
But not as deep as we had hoped?
The plot thickens only to that the ropes… Were strings
Stronger than our will to control… Our whims
But not strong enough to hold… Our egos above him
Though we tried our blasphemous poetry transformed… To hymns
Unable to blame for what is beyond our logical brains
that sees it fit to blame
Cannot be questioned for a question
Is limited to what the enquirer has attained
Knowledge! Subjective.. Perceptual.. Knowledge
Knowledge of nothing but what the illusionary fable describes
Knowledge that I, exist in a physical realm                                                             When I can’t see my thoughts nor my mind
Ignorant knowledge of the irrelevant though I try                                                 To ascend upon the ladder towards the divine
but I lack the carpenter skills required
so I am forever defeated by my own designs

 

Another Nameless Poem Because I Suck At Names

My mind sways with the wind
Knocks at every door,
Builds up all the shrines
Of lies so insecure,
Yet covers with gold
So the image can be sold,
Don’t fret… I’m not talking about their holiness
I’m talking about my soul
Where’s is this door
Gates that lead to Eden
Charismatic and pure
Faithful in the cause we believe in
Shattered glass in a house
Made of bricks… The looks were deceiving,
Pick the herbs get the light out
Burn grass for the flight out
And then claim that  they’re healing,
I’ve embodied a universe the hell I need the weed then?
The darker the room gets my awareness increasing,
Self loathing, the pity, the man I see’s been defeated,
Couldn’t Carry the load
Maybe it’s broader shoulders he needed,
Or maybe a partner forgot to ask the Lord to be his teammate
But blamed him for his loss
Only way he knew how to deal with it
Try to do business with fate
Got caught trying to cheat it 
Now he’s been sentenced to life devoid of any meaning
Suicidal he don’t wanna live it
But he hopelessly hopeful trying to get with it
Waiting for his chance
Guarding the gates of heaven
Paying what is due till he can  reunite with his  brethren
Can you oppress it?
The pressure of this never ending philosophy,
Rooms never been locked
Yet never entered
Worded out as blasphemy
Not worthy of the heavens
Yet ascended above humanity
Struggling between the realms
Cato knows about this agony

Redemption of The Archetypes Rebels

Defining it like time brothers

Or sisters it’s a fine line kind of thing

Try to define the matter

I stutter so I just prefefefer to sing

 

But my voice don’t help

So my vocals are my eyes

Trying to perfect the tone

With the hands that I use to type

Giving my left hand a role…Keyboards

Burn a hole in my mind

Giving my demons a voice

Inspiring them to leap forth and shine

No more of them ideal poems

As the left criticizes my right

One cannot hide behind their words

No sense trying to act divine

If I tell you my slate is clean

I suggest you look harder for my crimes

This here is my pilgrimage

On a path to seek what is inside

Following my masters words

Ali is where my heart resides

 

And the truth is intrinsic

But it exists in you and me

So we both must be in this

 

Room in my soul that I share with you

Like a fool I hope that you feel it too

Dreams of people that I never knew

Wonder where they are… They are me so not who

If we cant unify the opinion of the brain

Let the souls intertwine let the heart do its thing

Shake of the prejudice the world isn’t in the gray

Look closer see the colours bright like when you put the sun to the ring

Philosopher’s stones on your fingers

Watch dreams mix with faith and logic lingers

Has no real place like this physical state

Essential to your fate … Back-up singers

 

 

I guess in simpler words what I’m trying to get through to you

Is that though i may be me and I know you think that you are you

Unique in our function like the fingers and the toes

Different interest same beat embraced with distinct flows

Distance is just physical you live in my abode

Hold the door the floor (flow) is the path but not the road

Let your legs take you some where anywhere around the globe

Doesn’t matter you’ll remain idle in the position that you hold

The gates to the ocean horizons and the clouds

Limits that don’t exist -alfresco- your eyes are not allowed

The beauty of Eden useless their purpose defeated

Close them destroy the chimera and pierce the darkest of the clouds

 

Curses of this realm, In the happiness that dwells

 In the lust for someone else, and the character it builds

 Mountains beyond the hills, a path so many lives its claimed

Even more than the dreams that it has killed

And the sane man says Abaddon’s been contained

We’re living in a cave, for which that he has paid

Adopted by his ways, a droplet in his waves

Children see their demise, while our insides continue to decay

And it is not a maze; the path you seek is straight

You could’ve lived in the clouds; instead you dropped to destroy like acid rain

 

The ‘Word(s) play’

Am I at the mercy of the words or is it the inverse and then reversed,
Because they change with every verse,
And at the peak they all disperse,
And then return to compliment the body and the hearse,
And the blessing that’s a curse,
And when the image isn’t vivid but the vagueness is just timid,
Words are placed and just run with it with their vision of the meaning they want in it,
It just bursts and returns to form through the integrity it learned,
From the energy it spent and the entropy it earned,
Its not heat it did not  burn And so infinitely it yearns,
To expand and express and dance on the tongue and every step,
As specific as the rest,
All just random and persistent like the test,

Wavery in slavery the mockery detained by me ironically makes sense to me,
But does not function as properly,
Like prophecies neither are my property,
I mean look at it just where is me?
Ocular a prodigy,
Inocula for this culture spree,
Let it spread like knowledge in a democracy,
Highly restrained to remain in the realm of my hypocrisy,
The wisdom lies in the simplicity,
And my ego dwells in the mazes of my inner chi,
Expressively excessively complex you see?
Yet the concept is child’s play,
Yet explaining causes migraines,
Yet its all beautifully floating in my brain,
Or mind in sane,
Like mines in pain,
It is painful insane full of sanity yet vanity the mirror of this detained fool,

The waves of words they reach the shore,
And make sense on their own accord,
They cannot afford,
To wait for the human to find an aim or a cause,
To implode and produce what is worthy of awe,
They are not patient they cannot pause,
If they are hesitant for a fraction of a second all is lost,
Their existence is the cost