Nasser's Blog About Stuff

Entry #1 Ego

I find myself at a point where I am seeking the lord in a way like never before, yet I am confused about the purity of my intentions, was it calamity and pain that lead me to seek refuge with him? And if so is this in itself negative? Could it not be a blessing from him? Could it not be Allah giving me a reason to seek him? I am aware of the illness of my spirit and the stiffness of my heart. Does this awareness not mean that indeed my intentions are pure? If I honestly ask the Lord to remove them; does this not mean that I do in reality seek him alone? Or has my mind succeeded in rationalizing this process in order for me to continue? Is the source of the pain in reality the lies I have told myself? Is there a darker power lying in the depths of my psyche deceiving me into believing my intentions are pure

Over the past few months I have come to the realization that the ego is nothing like what I initially believed it to be. It is not as simple as it seems, it is not arrogance and pride and narcissism. It is not something you suppress and it just dies away. It is not something you kill, it is something you need to keep neutral. Killing it is the equivalent of bringing it down into the negatives, this will fill your heart with insecurities and strip your mind of its intellectual abilities, which is also the consequence of allowing it to rise above point 0 lets say.

After I finally understood what my ego was and I saw the reality of this deceiving beast, It occurred to me that the only point when one can claim victory against it is when one dies. Not any kind of death, you couldn’t for example take your own life. That would either be the result of your ego rising into the pride zone (your pride just wouldn’t accept anymore failures or slips) or the opposite ( you could no longer live with yourself because your ego is so low you have no self esteem and you despise yourself).

After realizing that this will be a lifelong battle, it became only natural to assume that my opponent will use all the dirty tricks available. So it was no longer difficult for me to imagine its capabilities. I mean if it could make Hitler (a military genius) attempt to invade Russia knowing that it was impossible to succeed. It could convince me that my need to seek Allah is pure when in reality it is based completely on selfishness.

This assumption is dangerous but it means that the ego is not conscious because if it were, it would know that Allah would not let it win. But at the same time it may mean that the ego in an attempt to win the war is trying to put me through a roller coaster that contains both extremities of the equation. Naturally if I attempt to eradicate it through seeking a higher power, it will make this extremely tedious and difficult by making me jump between phases of both High arrogance and narcissism and drastically low self esteem, which I would conveniently mistake for humility which will in its turn lead to an increase in my arrogance. This way it will increase its chances at winning by increasing the likelihood of me giving up or thinking that I have succeeded. This of course would mean that it is conscious.

Now that I have thought this, it has automatically become a possibility. Thoughts are always possibilities, if not in this realm then in another. I do want to be acknowledged in this world, I do want to achieve great things in this world, I do want to rise to the top of everything that I do. Could it be that my ego yearns for this so badly that it is willing to do anything, is it primitive? Maybe it doesn’t know what seeking the lord is
it only recognizes that the intellect sees it as the only relevant goal it should set. It doesn’t recognize the logical process behind it, it can only see the result. It only understands that its goals and aims are being overridden by the goals and aims of the higher influence. So it must -to ensure its survival and the achievements of its goals- wage war. In this case it does not have consciousness.

This is the first phase of the process, As it goes on and I learn more about it I may add some more. I didn’t want to share this because of the ego dilemma above, I don’t know if I am sharing to feed my ego or something else but I chose not to over think for now

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2 thoughts on “Entry #1 Ego

  1. Really beautiful nasser

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